Wednesday, October 12, 2011
I guess you could say this a new beginning. Bill & I had experimented will all sorts of things and ideals in our relationship before, but we had put the cart before the horse. Early on, we had tried some BDSM type things and even a more full-time D/s lifestyle, but there was too much trying to live up to what we were reading about online. We also didn't really have enough stability and maturity in our relationship then for the type of dynamic we were trying to create and of course we were both still fighting for control and I wanted even submission to be my way and on my terms.
This is different though. I don't really have the words to explain or describe it but, just like biblical submission and traditional marriage as a lifestyle is different from a fetish type of dominance and submission, I feel like this sort of domestic discipline is different at least in some ways from a fetish "scene" type spanking. Of course, it is erotic, and there are similarities, but it seems like a different dynamic. Before there was always the idea that even in submission, I was in control. Now, he is, and I am not. Where the spanking before were more for arousal, these will be for punishment, which means I don't get to pick what it will be, how hard, etc and so on.
It scares me a little, because I still have problems with the idea of giving up control and part of me wonders what I am getting myself into. I've asked him to discipline me and hold me accountable, but also to not let me back out when I decide it's too much trouble and get all "owww, I hurts, I don't wanna".
That's sort of how it went when we first started talking about this a couple months ago. We agreed to it, then there were nights he was tired from work, I still was slacking on chores, the baby was late to bed, or I just didn't feel like doing anything or being spanked - I didn't bring it up, neither did he, then the prospect of all the delayed swats added up seemed like to much when he finally mentioned it.
After that, we took a break and he told me to work on some daily/weekly routines to see what was realistic for me to do each day. I did that and just waited. Yesterday, I mentioned it to him, and he asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it this time. I told him that I was and he looked over the list with me and told me which things were most important to him and assigned a certain number of swats for each thing left undone. I'm expected to start checking things off and keeping track of what's left undone and what any punishment will be starting tonight. For the rest of the month, we will just be tracking household tasks and chores then, next month, we will add accountability for the freelance work I do as well.
I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I have gotten more done just this morning than I usually do all day, so I'm sure he'll be pleased with that. I also just want to please him more now that I know what the expectations are that I'm trying to meet. It just feels better knowing that he will be taking control and guiding me.